Another Saturday Night at F.A.G.S

I saw some guys from high school
at a local bar
a couple weeks ago.

It was kind of cool seeing them
but
they were pretty much
the same people.

They obviously asked what
I was doing now
and
I said I was unemployed.

(It was a week or so since
id left my job)

They didn’t really care
but
I think they thought I had a degree
or something.

We talked a little bit about
some of the people that we still knew from
school

I told them I’d hung out with my friend that they
hadn’t seen for years the night before.

“Isn’t he gay now?” one of them said…

before pretending to suck an
invisible dick.

I said “uhhm well yea”

I guess he thought it was funny
that someone he used to know
was gay.

I just wanted to know if his mum
was still straight

And if she still sucked his dads dick. 

Personality Test

If I was an animal
what
animal would I be?

That’s what they asked
me
at a job interview
last week.

One of those questions
to see
what my personality’s like.

I thought about it a little while
and said

a shark

They laughed and said

Thank you for not
saying a lion,
that’s what everybody else
says

They asked me why I chose
a shark
and
I didn’t really say.

Eventually we came up with
“I like swimming”
although I needed some help
from
the interviewer.

I only said shark because
I thought
that’s
what they wanted to hear.

I’m aggressive, I go in
for the kill, 
and all that.

I would never say a lion
because
that would just
make me cringe.

Everyone thinks they’re the
king
of the jungle

and forgets about
who runs
the ocean. 

Bathroom Party

The best party
I ever
went to was
at
my friend’s
parent’s house.

I took shrooms
and
at one point
spent twenty minutes
tripping out
in my friend’s
bathroom

Just looking at the
tiles and stuff

I ended up leaving
the bathroom
and
going to look at
something else.

I always remember
the tiles though,

they looked like
an
Indian tapestry.

When I went back out
to the party
I found
I didn’t miss out
on much  

and when I told people
where I’d been
they felt
the same as me. 

I’m a good friend like that

The other week
I watched ‘black fish’ with
a few of my friends

It’s the movie
about
Seaworld
and
how they treat
killer whales
in captivity.

After the movie
my friend
said something
like

“I never knew
how
horrible it was to
keep whales
in pools like that”

While I agreed
with her

I really wanted
to know
if
she thought
whales
could thrive in
swimming pools
before
the movie

I didn’t want to
embarrass her
though
so I kept my thoughts
to myself

I thought it better if
I let her
hate seaworld
and
not me. 

Three Dairies

There are
three dairies
in
the space
of a supermarket
car-park
near my house

The first one
has
been there
for over thirty years
but
the other two
have been built
more recently

One maybe
five years ago
and
the other
about a year
later

I can see why
the second
dairy
was opened

People like competition
and
the last thing anyone
wants
is
a dairy monopoly 

When the third dairy
was built
I couldn’t
figure it out

There were two
other shops
within
one hundred meters
offering the same
low priced
goods

There was no need for
a third dairy.

I can only imagine
what this third shop
owner
was thinking

‘If there are two dairies
here already
this
must mean
dairies
do well in this street’

Four years later his dairy is
still open
and so are the other two.

It’s become a dairy
district

And I’m more
confused than a
headless chicken
on
where I should
buy
my milk. 

**a dairy is the equivalent of a corner shop or 7/11 in case you needed help figuring it out**

Wifi in thirty years

It won’t be long until
the internet
is everywhere

Places that don’t even need
the internet
will have to conform
to this
technology.

You’ll be able to stand
on the side
of a volcano
and
log into the volcano’s
wifi

There’ll be a signal there, 
trust me.

Some company will build
volcano wifi
because
no one else has done it yet

They’ll be the only company offering
customers
the convenience of
wifi
on volcanic mountains

I mean maybe you don’t need
volcano wifi
but
if it’s the same price
you may as well
get it, 
just in case.

Imagine being stuck
on the side
of an erupting
volcano
without an internet
connection.

Waiting for your death
wishing
you had one last
pornographic video
to watch

Or one final game of
candy crush
to play

Or one final status update
(with picture)
that you could post
showing
that you like climbing
mountains
so
people would know that
you’re outdoorsy

What a sad way to die
you would think

halfway up a volcano 
without 
any fucking 
internet

Property at Uni

My friends all work
in property.

They studied it at uni
and now all have jobs
in property management

It’s not really that
interesting to me
but
I know
they do make
good money
from it.

They’ll talk about
work
sometimes
and I’ll just
pretend to listen or
pretend
to understand

I don’t think they really
care
which I do.

I can pull off
mildly interested
or
looks like he’s paying attention
better than
most people.

The only time
I said anything useful
was after an earthquake
in one of my
friend’s cities.

My property friends
were asking him about
the damage to
his building

He told us it was
only seventy per cent (of code)
but other buildings
were at one hundred
and ten
percent (of code)

This conversation happened
shortly after the earthquake

I asked my friend
why one hundred and ten per cent
damage
didn’t mean total destruction?

They all laughed

It’s got something to do with
old buildings I found out

and not a whole lot to do
with
fifth form maths. 

A Skiing Medal Please

Our top skier
led us
to
his final. 
 
He was our best
chance at a medal
in
twenty years.

I watched an interview  
with him
before
the games. 

He was asked
how
he handled pressure. 

‘I’ve never really felt pressure’

I like this guy
I thought

he’s got what it takes
to be a winner.

As a country
we
often fall short
when
the pressures on.

Leading
up to the Olympics
he
became a household name

He was unusually
unknown before that; 

a multiple x games
medallist
but not celebrated

The media interviewed
him again
when he was more popular

"What’s it like having
the WHOLE COUNTRY
behind you?”


"It’s cool, I’ve never had
the WHOLE COUNTRY
watching me before”

On his final run
he needed a 90 score. 

He slipped on the
second rail
and ruined his chance
to medal.

Turns out he’s just like
the rest of us.

Except when 
no ones 
watching.

Life IS Good

My television is
the light
inside
this temple

It is the space
between
the clouds,

the shop
not in
a mall,

the dorrito with
two sides
of
flavour.

It reminds me
every day
that

Life is good.

It is an
LG
television

It fills me with
love

like
a softly spoken
lemonade. 

those stupid colours

I was reminded of
my retirement scheme

in
an advertisement
at the beginning
of
a hot chip video.

I wanted to be reminded of
not caring
and
effortlessly creating

but it’s too late now